Best Wingman Ever (AKA How Kol Sailed SS Klaroline Home)
by lysapot
Summary: CRACK!FIC - Kol is a major Klaroline shipper and when Kol is involve, you can bet your booty that mishaps will come about.
1. Enough is Enough

Title: Best. Wingman. Ever. (AKA How Kol Sailed SS Klaroline Home)

Rating: T for fucking language

Pairing: Klaus/Caroline

Disclaimer: Don't own jack

A/N: So first off, this is a CRACK FIC. Second, I wanna thank my love, Alex for reading it and making me feel like this is a little less like a waste of words crap. Thirdly, a few things: Everything is canon up to the Mikaelson Ball but Hayley is here. Tyler is gone. Of course, Kol is very much alive and kicking. I think that's it. Well, have fun and I hope you enjoy!

**1: Enough is Enough**

"Oh, my dear brother," Kol swaggers (because let's face it, when looking at the term 'swagger' in the dictionary it just tells you, "bitch please, look up Kol Mikaelson") into Klaus' art room.

"Kol, what did I ever do to deserve your audience?" Klaus mutters in obvious annoyance, not even bothering to look away from his latest work.

"Well, you bloody don't deserve shit actually. You and Mama Barbie are seriously breaking my shipper heart! And Rebekah's, Elijah's, Stefan's, Finn's even though he's dead-dead, fuck everybody in Mystic Falls! and more so Damon's! He's just a crying mess 'cause his OTP won't even breathe the same air! What the actual fuck is that?!" Kol rants as he pulls on his gorgeous hair.

If the universe is giving the award for the most WTF face right now, Klaus will definitely win. "Did you anger Miss Bennett again and she turned you into to this blabbering idiot? I mean, more than usual."

"Bitch please. One, Bonnie loves me. She's one kinky witch. Oh, the things she does with just strings and syrup. And the threesomes with Jerbear. Oh and when Anna gets on board! Fuck me! Ghost mixed foursome. Damn," Kol wipes the drool spilling from his mouth. Note to self, schedule foursome later. "Anyways, two, I'm fucking awesome. And three, SS Klaroline will not sink okay! Never! Even if I'll have to get the fucking Pope to canonized this shit!"

Confusion is quite evident in the hybrid's face still, "What the hell are you smoking?! OTP? Ship? Mama Barbie? Canonized? Threesome with Jerbear?! Ghost mixed foursome?! SS KLAROLINE?!"

"Oh God, how are we related even?! I can't with you! Sit your hybrid ass down and Captain Kol will explain." Kol gesturing for the hybrid to sit down, cracking his knuckles.

Reluctantly Klaus sits on the leather couch. "I ship you and Caroline or Mama Barbie-oh and we call you Papa Hybrid-so hard that I sometimes fucking can't anymore okay. My feels are fucking all over the place when you two are breathing the same air, okay?! And apparently so does the entire population of Mystic Falls, well minus that skanky were-bitch you slept with. By the way, ew. And it means that we want you to bang the holy living power of Jesus Christ into Caroline." Kol explains with a smirk.

Klaus looks ashamed with the mention of his tryst with Hayley. He knows that he rocked her world, no questions there. He's a fucking sex god. But the only thing that made him enjoy himself was to imagine that he was caressing those blond locks not brown ones and hearing the moans of his golden goddess not some loud siren wench. Though the news that people want Caroline and him to be together surprised the hybrid but in a good way, making him smile. "Alright, Kol. Explain the rest. OTP? Canon? SS Klaroline? And did you just refer to yourself as Captain?"

"OTP means one true pairing. Klaroline is your shipper name. It's a mesh of your name and hers. Canon means that the ship is legit, like 'to legit to quit'. And duh! It's a ship and I dubbed myself the captain of the ship. Finn might have that pirate look going on but I'm much more awesome. The end." Kol actually takes a small bow.

Although Kol is still speaking a whole other language to him, he gets the gist of it. Regaining some composure, "And what do you want me to do?"

"Well, for one, get off your ass and get that Klaroline lovin' rollin! I have intel that Mama Barbie wants some Papa Hybrid too but she just doesn't want to give up the goods since you slept with that were-bitch," Kol slings his arm on Klaus' shoulder. "But no worries, big brother. Captain Kol will be the best wingman ever!"

Klaus has a feeling this will not end well.

...

Drop me a line.

XOXO, Lysa


	2. Operation Pick-Me-Up

Disclaimer: Still don't own jack.

A/N: So, here's chapter numero dos! Again, thanks to my lovely Alex. I love you, my love! You are the best story sound board ever! MWAH. And to all those who read and reviewed. I love you guys! I'm glad this is making you laugh! We all need our precious Kol! He shouldn't be dead. DAMNIT! He should be gallivanting around Mystic Falls causing so much awesomeness! No. Don't look at me. I'm a crying mess just thinking about him. How about wecontinue this madness? Have fun and enjoy!

EDIT: Since, my lovely Whorlia pointed out, OCK is better with a C in the front of it. And of course, she's fucking right. Why have OCK when you can have COCK?! So here's to you my queen!

**2: Operation Pick-Me-Up**

After being undaggered, Kol quickly became obsessed with spy movies. _James Bond, Jason Bourne, Ethan Hunt_ and of course, the ultimate shagadelic spy ever, _Austin Powers. _They are like the ultimate heroes to him. Well, second to himself because bitches, Kol is the shit. So bugging everything and anything, anywhere and nowhere in sight is the most logical thing to do in his mind and was he fucking right! The hidden cameras in the Grill are gonna be useful with Central Operation: Canonizing Klaroline (COCK).

"Okay, Papa Hybrid. Here's your earpiece, virtually and electronically undetectable. That's the Kol of earpieces. I got it from my contact at the CIA so you better not fuck that up!" Kol hands the equipment to Klaus. "Oh, follow me to my room and I'll explain what's gonna happen."

Kol's room, well let's just put it this way, _Division_ ain't got jack shit on it. State of the art everything from 52-inches LED touch screen and other CIA devices you can think off.

Klaus never really cared for the state of the bedrooms of his siblings but this is quite a shock.

Kol sees the look on his brother's face, "You can say it. I know it's fucking awesome like yours truly but as much as the acknowledgement of my awesomeness is necessary, COCK is much more important!"

Klaus scoffs, "I won't even pretend to understand you anymore, Kol. Did you just say COCK?"

"For fuck's sake! Central Operation: Canonizing Klaroline! Did you not get the memo I emailed you? You're on your phone like 24/7 surely you would notice that big-ass email notification popping up but I guess staring at a photo of certain blond in a bikini will turn a hybrid's mind tunnel-tracked, huh?"

"Hey! I'm not.. That's not.. I was.. Caroline's boobs!" Klaus yells, his hands gesturing to his chest.

"Sing bloody heavens to those boobs later, COCK first!"

Klaus huffs, "So, what will we do, oh dearest Captain?"

"Hey! Bloody respect the title, brother. I may ship Klaroline but I will certainly kick your ass if you're not careful."

_As if you can._ "Alright, alright. Please do go on, Kol." Raising his hands in the surrender position.

Putting his game face on, "This, dear brother, is Operation Pick-Me-Up. Under our main op, COCK, we have sub operations. This is the first one but I'm fucking sure that this is the only op we need. I have made a list of fucking awesome pick-up lines. Some are from this book that Jerbear had and I created some 'Original' pick-up lines. Get it? Cause we're the Originals and it's original! Damn, I'm awesome."

"Your ego knows no bounds, brother. I'm guessing that I don't need to memorize anything as you will be sprouting it to my ear via your spy device?"

"Stop being prissy! This is gonna be awesome, okay!"

"Let me look at that list. Might as well be prepared."

Kol hands the list to Klaus. After scanning the first few lines, he says, "Absolutely not! Are you fucking out of your mind?! These are horrible!"

Kol actually looks offended by the statement, "I'll have you know that I've used these and boom! Kol le banged. Fuck you very much! And it will get Klaus le banged too!"

Klaus lets out a loud huff of annoyance.

"Peasant! But you're my bro and blood runs deep. We'll commence at twenty-one hundred hours, Mama Barbie will be at the Grill. I have the place under heavy surveillance so I can see everything and just do everything I say and we're fucking golden! Oh! You're gonna need this move. Courtesy of Joey Tribbiani. You gotta look at the lady from head to toe, give a handsome smirk and say, 'Hey, how you doin?'"

His wolfy sense are tingling but he hopes that it's wrong for the sake of his dignity.

...xxx...

_"Original Hotness to Papa Hybrid. Do you hear me?"_

"Original Hotness, really Kol?" Klaus whispers, stepping inside the Grill.

_"Fuck you. You know I'm hot." _Kol scans his monitors, spotting Caroline beside the bar. _"Mama Barbie spotted at the bar. Let's get this show on the road. Do the 'Joey' like we practiced."_

Stopping just a few steps away from Caroline, he clears his throat to get her attention. When she looks at him, he gives her the quick scan, a wolfish grin in check and says, "Hey, how you doin'?"

A perfectly eyebrow raise, "Did you just 'Joey Tribbiani' me?"

Recovering quickly he replies, "Well, yes. How are you, love?"

"Needing more alcohol apparently, we're not having a conversation sober." Gesturing for the bartender.

"_Number 5, brother!"_

"Well, I'm already drunk on you, love. We're halfway there."

"_Nailed it bro!"_

"You did not just say that." She actually does a facepalm that would make Captain Picard proud. "Resorting to pick-up lines now? Ran out of the 'full of light' crap?"

"_Take a breath. She's still pissed you took a stroll at 'Dump-ala-Hayley'. Make her a sweet deal, try to calm those tits down. Say that if your lines won't work, you'll leave her alone tonight."_

Klaus lets out a sigh, "Alright, love. I'll make you a deal. If my words won't make you smile even just a little, I'll take my leave tonight."

"Fine. I'm so sure those lines won't work. Bring it on." She huffs.

"_Go bro! Make my shipping heart soar!"_

"If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put 'U' and 'I' together."

"But it's perfect the way it is, with 'N' and 'O' together."

"Did it hurt when you fell out of heaven?"

"Did it hurt when they kicked your ass out of hell?"

"I think I can make you very happy."

"So, you're leaving?"

"You must be tired from running around in my mind all day."

"Oh yeah, that damn exit door is very well hidden."

"Let's go back to my room and do some math: Add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply."

"My 'no' is as never ending as the value of pie."

"So, is it safe to say I will score?"

"You'll definitely score a hard knee to your balls."

"There are 265 bones in the human body. How would you like one more?"

"Sure, my neighbor's rott needs something to bite on."

"Would you like to try an Australian kiss? It is just like a French kiss but down under."

"Would you like an Australian headshot? It's just like a normal headshot but down under."

"Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?"

"Oh yeah! I wished for something worse than death."

_"Damn, Mama B has claws. Bring the ante up! Go Original on her ass!"_

"Original vampires are immune to the compulsion of ordinary vampires but why do I feel like I'm under your command?"

"..."

"_Suck on that Mama B! It seems like she likes the originals."_

"You think my bite is deadly? But it's your smile that leaves me with such sweet death."

_"There's a twitch! You got this brother!"_

"You're just like the white oak stake. You can set my whole body on fire."

"Why settle for me? I'll go get the stake now."

Caroline dashes out of the Grill faster than the roadrunner escaping the coyote, both brothers missing a tiny smile on the blonde's lips.

"_Damn, I knew I should have brought someone from KISS to watch the door!"_

_..._

Drop me a line,

XOXO, Lysa


	3. Klaroline Intensity Shippers Society

Disclaimer: No. I don't own it and I'll never will! Why can't I have nice things?!

A/N 1: Never gonna stop thanking my love, Alex for making sure that I don't give you crappier chapters. And guys, seriously, the love! So awesome I CAN'T EVEN ASDFKHADSKFHAKLADSHF! You make me so happy with the reviews, just 'hearing' that it's making you guys laugh is just fucking great! OH, and fuck! I want to thank **l2oonie** for making such an awesome cover poster for this story on tumblr! I can't with you! Captain Kol is pleased! ay! if you want to bug me on tumblr, I'm **irrationallyrational**. Send me messages to state the extensive harm I did to your psyche.

A/N 2: For the guest that said I must be a crazy person, you my dear are very much on the fucking right! But I'm the good crazy, I promise I won't hurt you!

A/N 3: Before reading, please be advise that the author is not responsible for any bodily secretion may it be: ocular or urinal, and the gas for continuous laughing. Shall you forgo with the warning, please have a pleasant read.

**3: Klaroline Intensity Shippers Society**

The exact moment that Kol and Damon started fangirling over Klaus and Caroline together was at the Mikaelson Ball. Yeah, yeah, they had their little scuffle but after that they stumbled onto Klaroline with a fucking horse and the whole _'You're strong, beautiful and full of life. I enjoy you.'_, a bond was magically formed.

They would meet almost every day just to analyze every little thing about the pair. Squealing like teenage girls in heat whenever Klaroline breathes the same air, or looks at each other from a distance. Over the course of the following weeks, the number of shippers increase rapidly within their circle and the most logical thing to do was to form a political (tirancy of Captain Kol) group for their OTP thus the Klaroline Intensity Shippers Society or KISS was formed. They held weekly meetings (one of the highlights was when Tyler and Caroline broke up though they did hit a minor setback when Klaus decided to sleep with a certain were-bitch) but this is the most exciting one yet!

"Fucking calm your tits everyone! Our Captain will take the floor!" Damon announces, silencing the group.

Kol steps up on the podium, complete with his captain's hat. "Rebekah! Quit sucking face with Stefan, do it on your on time, we have important things to discuss!"

Rebekah pulls away, scowling, from Stefan's lips but remains in his lap. "Fuck you, brother."

Without missing a beat, "Oh, tone down your incestous fetish, Bekah. Stefan might get jealous."

She just rolls her eyes at him. "Welcome everyone to our weekly KISS meeting, let's do our routine roll call. Captain Kol Mikaelson here."

"Damon Salvatore, second mate."

"Rebekah Mikaelson."

"Stefan Salvatore."

"Bonnie Bennett."

"Jeremy Gilbert."

With a nod, Kol says again. "Elijah and Katherine couldn't be with us for a couple of months because they're sexin' their way through Asia but anyways, I have great news! I, your dearest captain, have finally pushed Papa Hybrid off his ass to make things right with Mama Barbie. He made his move last night with my help."

Loud screams and cheers erupt within the group and a very shrill girl like pterodactyl sound coming from Damon.

"Did Klaroline sexin' happen?!" Rebekah yells, leaping off Stefan's lap.

"Well... Things didn't go as smoothly as I planned. My flawless pickup lines were flawless and it's making Mama Barbie warm up a bit but I didn't anticipate that the door was unguarded and she fled."

"KOL! REALLY?! PICKUP LINES?! Of course, she fled, your pickup lines are fucking lame and stupid!"

"HEY! I fucking snag those beautiful piece of ass right there with those lines! Right, my kinky witch? Jerbear?!" Kol clearly offended because fuck you very much, everything coming from him is amazing!

"Hey, come on guys. Slow them rolls, we need to get back on track. Hail Klaroline!" Stefan ever the voice of reason.

"Hail Klaroline!" Everyone replies.

"Right, right. Let's get back on track. I devised a main op which I dubbed as 'Central Operation: Canonizing Klaroline'. I emailed the detailed op to all of you. As I said, COCK has already begun but I need each and everyone of you to contain any threats to our success..."

"Jeremy, are you in there?!" Elena waltzed in KISS HQ.

"Goddamnit! Who was watching the fucking door?!"

"Uhm, Finn was the last to be on door duty but you know, he's dead-dead and you didn't assign another one." Damon explains.

"Jeremy, you're supposed to be studying!"

"Bitch, you don't know my life!" Jeremy points his finger at Elena.

"You, doppelganger, this is a closed meeting. You better leave." Rebekah sneering at the brunette.

"Oh! I wanna join!"

"Hell to the fucking no, bitch is a fucking bitch." Rebekah exclaims.

"But come on! I wanna join. Damon, Stefan make them!" Elena whines.

"Oh honey, newsflash, your golden vagina doesn't have any hold on the Salvatore brothers anymore." Rebekah sneers, holding Stefan closely to her.

"Retract the claws, Bekah. We can add a new recruit." Kol walks to the doppelganger. "This is KISS, Klaroline Intensity Shipper Society. To be a member you have to ship Klaroline so hard that you'll, without hesitation, sell your balls for them..."

"But I don't have any balls." Elena interrupts, her face scrunches in confusion.

"Bitch, you do not interrupt the fucking captain!"

Elena immediately shuts her mouth.

"As I was saying, ship them so hard that everything are them and nothing fucking hurts. Do you understand? So, are you KISS material, you scumbag twit?!"

"Sir, yes, sir!" Her body suddenly in a rigid attention position, saluting.

"Goodie! Alright take a seat! Now that's settled, back to business. As I was saying we need to go HAM on this operation. I have here some state of the art earpieces, don't you fucking fuck up my things, for discreet communication and I have created your code names. I'll be Original Hotness, naturally. Rebekah, you'll be Sister Bitch."

"Shove it Kol, I'm Badass Blond and if you don't agree so help me I'll burn all your precious Pokemon cards!"

"Alright, alright, Badass Blond. God, PMS much? Damon, you'll be Number Two."

"Aye, aye, captain!"

"Bonnie my love, you're Kinky Witch. Jerbear, you're Hunter Bear. Stefan, you're Bunny Brows and Elena, you're Golden Vagina. Read the details and I'll text you for our next phase. Good day, everyone." Kol walks to the door.

"I don't wanna be called Gol -" Elena starts.

"I said good day!"

...

Drop me a line,

XOXO, Lysa


	4. Operation Wolfy Overload

Disclaimer: I still don't own anything. Now, leave me alone! *sobs*

A/N: Fuck me guys! What the hell is happening with the love that this fic is getting?! I CAN'T. THE LOVE GUYS. I'M FUCKING DROWNING AND I LOVE EVERY BIT OF IT. Thanks so much. You guys are the best. Just simply the best! Again, thank you Alex my love. I would never be able to post if it wasn't for you. Guys, check out her story, Rescue Me! But I mean, I bet you already are cause it's apeshit. And also, I'm sorry for the wait. I've been busy to post this cause of stuff. But hope you enjoy! HAIL KLAROLINE!

**4: Operation Wolfy Overload**

"Come on, brother. Chillax. So, the op failed but you know what they say, 'Awesomeness wasn't built in a day except for Casa de Kol'."

If looks can kill, Kol will definitely be white oak staked dead.

"Tone down the fucking alpha hybrid stare down, we made progress! Mama B was softening. She just needs a little more of that Mikaelson charm to make her forgive you for that whore monstrosity. This plan is so bulletproof that Superman will be fucking jealous."

A moment of contemplation, "Alright. What's the plan?"

"Didn't you get my email?" Kol exasperates.

The question is answered with an eyebrow raise.

"I get it, checking your email takes precious time from perving on Mama B's booty." Kol sighs. "God, whatever. What you didn't read on the email is that I have KISS on security detail to insure that nothing falls through and -"

"Isn't that a band?"

"Fuck! No one should fucking interrupt the captain! I mean, God! If you read the fucking email, you would not be asking stupid questions."

Klaus dashes, getting dangerously close to Kol. The intent to intensively hurt a brother is evident in his eyes. "Let's be clear here, dear brother. You don't fucking talk to me like that. You may be the captain or whatever but I can still -"

"What? Dagger my ass? Rip out my liver? God, for a damn Original, your threats are becoming so redundant." Kol interrupts, sneering.

Both brothers doesn't notice the door opening, "Oh God, ding-ding-ding, round one is fucking over. You two better calm the fuck down or I swear to Miranda Priestly, Kol, I'll burn your Jigglypuff plush. And those life sized bikini-clad Caroline posters, I'm sure you wank off to every night, Nik." Rebekah threatens, getting a glass of scotch because she'll fucking need it when her stupid brothers are concerned.

Both of them looks at Rebekah and yells simultaneously.

"You leave my precious Puffy out of this!"

"Hey! I also do it every morning too and every other afternoon!"

Rebekah just shakes her head, whatever did she do to deserve such idiots of brothers. "Shall we just proceed with the next op? I believe it's called 'Operation Wolfy Overload'. And even though it physically pains me to admit that Kol can do anything right, the op is pretty adorable and foolproof."

A smile quickly forming in Kol's face, making his siblings think if he has a bi-polar issue. He again looks at Klaus and says, "Oh yeah! Back to business, you have to shift into your wolfy form. Intel says that Mama B loves cuddly creatures and well, we've seen your wolf side."

A slight blush appears on Klaus' face, "Hey! I have a menacing presence as a wolf. I'm the fucking alpha!"

His two siblings tries to muffle their giggles, Rebekah is the first to recover. "Your wolf form is a pup with fluffy golden fur, adorable pointed ears and your tail wags totes cutely when you're happy. I still have the video of it! The one where we did that cheerleading carwash and Caroline was in nothing but dukes and a red bikini top! You shifted and wagged your tail all over!"

If Klaus is a cartoon character, steam will be coming out of his ears and he'll be stomping his foot like a temperamental child. "You promised to bloody delete that Rebekah!"

"Why? It'll be the best wedding present for Caroline! She'll love me even more!"

They can't contain the laughter anymore because Klaus is actually pouting.

"Fuck both of you! Where are those goddamn daggers?!"

Catching his breath, Kol vamps speed to his brother and stopping him from walking out. "Forgive us, Papa H. Come on, just think of this, Mama B won't be able to keep her paws off you! Think of all those belly rubs, scratching behind your ears, and I'm sure she'll nuzzle you in her boobs! THOSE BOOBS, BROTHER!"

Klaus is not with them anymore. He's with his blond goddess on a park bench; the sky is so blue, wind playing with those golden locks, the sunlight makes her even more effervescent and fucking finally he can motorboat those boobs! So soft, so fucking soft.

Kol and Rebekah shares a looks, Rebekah waving her hand in front of Klaus' face. "I believe Nik has left the fucking building."

"Holy shit! He's like a factory of drool! Mama B's boobs have magical powers to make the Original Hybrid look so stupid. Oh! Video! Another wonderful wedding gift, sister!" Kol claps his hands.

Getting her phone out, she records herself first. "Hey, Forbes or should I call you Mikaelson now, here's another gift for you my dear sister," points it to Klaus, "See what your boobs do to him! Be sure to boob smack him on your honeymoon!"

After a few more minutes of recording, Klaus still hasn't move or stop salivating. "Fuck, can an Original die of dehydration?"

Rebekah just shrugs, "Just leave him a note! I have brunch with Stefan and he's cooking! Caroline will be at the park at about four-ish, I'll bring Stefan and Damon for the detail. Kk? Later Original Snotness!"

"Original Hotness, bitch!"

...xxx...

_"Badass Blond to Original Hotness, Mama Barbie is spotted on the northeast bench. Video feed running. Bunny Brows and Number Two are securing the perimeter."_

_"Video feed affirmative, Sister Bi - I mean, Badass Blond. Bunny Brows? Number Two?"_

_"Bunny Brows in position."_

_"Number Two in position."_

_"Excellent. Papa H, everything is secured. Operation Wolfy Overload is a go!_"

A lil pup with golden fur is running towards a Blond reading on a bench. His little paws pitter pattering on the grass, once he's in front of the blond, he lets out a loud but cute bark.

Caroline looks up from her book to see the lil pup in front of her, she didn't recognize the pup but its eyes are drawing her in. "Are you lost little buddy?"

He shakes his head no.

"Well, aren't you smart? You know, you remind of someone. I think you're related, he's a canine too! Well, hybrid but you know. Oh, you have a collar. Let's see what your name is." She smiles, bending down (which gives Klaus a glimpse of Boobie heaven) reading the name. "Klaus?"

_"AGAVDNISSAGSK! Holy crap! My feels!"_

_"Number Two! Pull your balls down! Let the magic happen."_

He nods slowly, his nose trying to nudge the note on the side of his collar. Noticing it, Caroline takes the note and it reads,

**_"Caroline, you know how hard it is for me to apologize to anyone even if I am in the wrong but it's you and you're not anyone. I don't even know how to begin, I would not justify with reasons of why I did it but just know that I regret it every single minute of the day. This may be cliche but she meant nothing and the only thing I was thinking of was you. Kol never lets me forget that I'm a stupid asshat for it and you know how annoying Kol can be. I hope you can find it in that beautiful heart of yours to forgive me. Yours, Klaus."_**

Caroline is silent. Klaus is showing his puppy eyes. Stefan and Rebekah are biting their nails in anticipation. Kol and Damon have their knees to their chest, breathing heavily, eyes wide, and trying to fucking calm down.

After a few more seconds, Caroline smiles, her fingers softly scratching Klaus' ear.

_"FAHABVSJAUAKAB!" -Damon_

_"This is journal worthy! Beautiful!" -Stefan_

_"I was not prepared for tears! Fuck my mascara!" -Rebekah_

_"Fuck my goddamn feels! HOLY JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! KLAROLINE IS EVERYTHING AND NOTHING HURTS." -Kol_

Unknown to the group, a stealthy black creature approaches. Klaus' nose suddenly twitches and looks behind him. The yellow eyes of the cat and the blue eyes of the pup begin a fight of stare. Teeth are bared.

_"OH BROTHER DON'T DO IT!"_

Agile feline paws flee.

Strong canine paws chase.

Shocked Blond wondering what the hell happened.

_"FUCK SHIT BROTHER, WRONG PUSSY!"_

...

Drop me a line!

XOXO, Lysa


	5. Just Another KISS Meeting

Disclaimer: Why do I always do this to myself? I know I know, I don't own anything of importance! Geez, why don't your just kick my lady balls harder?

AN1: Hi, peeps! I'm so sorry for the lateness of this update. RL is kicking me hard! But No worries, I'll give it my best to update quickly! I hope you still wanna read this crazy story. Oh? You don't? Well, too freaking boo. Here it is! :P Sorry about that. So, again, Alex the love of my life, thanks for being the best! If she wasn't in my life, you wouldn't be reading this, okay? MWAH!

Oh! before I forget, this story's timeline is cracked up beyond repair so it's all over the place but just bare with me. You love me don't you? *innocent smile* Oh, and the Golden Vag is a vamp! Enjoy!

...xxx...

**5: Just Another KISS Meeting - Hauling Serious Ass for COCK**

Kol starts pounding his customized gavel, "Order in the fucking court, bitches! Where the fuck is Golden Vag?!"

Rebekah scoffs, "I told you not to let that useless twat join."

Kol rolls his eyes in response. There's no way, in any universe, his sister is right. He refuses to believe that. Nope, no way. He's always right. He's fucking Kol Mikaelson. Truth! "Whatever! Moving fucking on, we need to move serious ass for COCK but first, raise your right hand for our KISS pledge."

"_Forever will I ship Klaroline. Always will I defend this ship till my dying breath. Haters can kiss my gorgeous ass. Always and forever. Hail Klaroline!"_

"Before we proceed, Damon my fangirl bro here, has made a wonderful video." He puts his arm around Damon. "I've watched it like infinity and beyond and I still creycrey for realsie! The beauty of Klaroline! OH FUCKING GOD! FEEELS! Goddamnit! I can't! Just play the damn thing. Hold me, Number Two." Kol buries his head in the nook of Damon's neck.

The sweet soft strumming of guitar strings filled the room. Quick flashes of Klaus and then Caroline.

_I'm gonna wear you down_

_I'm gonna make you see_

Various clips of Klaus looking at Caroline as if she's the only precious thing in the entire universe. As if she's the answer to all the unanswered questions.

_I'm gonna start a fire_

_You're gonna feel the heat_

Images of Klaus flashing Caroline his gorgeous smile and Caroline smiling back.

_Come on, come on_

_Into my arms_

_Come on, come on_

_Give into me_

Flashes of them dancing at the Mikaelson's Ball. Nobody else matters but them.

_I'll use my lips, I'll use my arms_

_Come on, come on, come on_

Klaus taking Caroline's hand in his, pulling her within his embrace as he whispers something softly in her ear.

"Perhaps one day, love." Then everything fades to black.

_Give in to me_

Every single KISS member is shaking with feels and clapping the genius of Damon's video.

"Goddamnit! Fucking feels! Every fucking time!" Kol wipes the tears running down his cheeks. He pats Damon's arm with utmost pride and happiness. "This wonderful piece of Klaroline tribute needs to be rewarded. My kinky witch, do your awesome juju and give Number Two his surprise."

Bonnie chants some weird ass Latin sentences and then the door opens to reveal no other than...

Damon's eyes widen in tearful amazement. He looks to Kol and then to the open door then to Kol again. Kol just gives him a smirk and nods.

"ALARIC! LET ME LOVE YOU SO HARD!" Damon vamp speeds to Alaric, tackling the not-dead-at-the-moment vampire hunter to the floor. Tears are running down his face, sobbing in Alaric's chest.

Alaric just chuckles. "I guess you miss me, huh, buddy?" He strokes Damon's hair and plants a soft kiss on top of his head.

Everybody in the room is just in totes 'awww moment' now because hello, Team Badass anyone? And who fucking didn't cry when Alaric had to die because of a certain fucking bitch. No one, that's for sure! And of course, the moment is ruined when that certain bitch enters the scene.

"Oh, Alaric, you're dead, right? How are you here?" Elena looks confuse as ever.

"Holy fuck! This bitch sure can ruin a moment! I can't with you. Can we just kick her out? Or just kick her ass? Totes can do it with just my pinky finger!" Rebekah yells, cracking her knuckles and ready to beat the living crap out of the doppelganger.

"Stefan, tongue the bitch out of her, please." Kol huffs. Stefan waste no time kissing the hell out of Rebekah. Temporary peace, thank fuck. The Mikaelson tendency to kill people who annoy them sometimes interferes with the peace. Innocent until proven guilty, right? Not fucked up until fucked in the ass or something like that.

Kol points at Elena, "You! Tardiness is not fucking acceptable. You fucking thank Klaroline cause we need to haul ass or I would have let Sister Bitch on your ass faster than.."

"But you sai-" Elena interrupts. She knows she can always get her way.

Kol bitch-slaps her so hard she twirls around, she does three complete rotations. Jeremy does a fist pump and Bonnie laughs out loud. Damon just hugs Alaric more and Alaric chuckles. Rebekah and Stefan still making out. "How many fucking times will I have to repeat this shit?! No fucking one interrupts the captain while he is fucking speaking. GOD!" Kol takes a deep breath, goes into zen mode and back to his cheery self. "Okay bitches, since we are all here. Let's proceed with 'Operation Movie-esque'!"

Elena rubs her bruised cheek but takes her seat. Rebekah and Stefan stops making out. Bonnie and Jeremy have their Klaroline game faces on. Alaric carries Damon, sits beside Stefan while keeping Damon in his lap.

"We need romantic movie gestures for this op. Number Two and I already picked the one from _The Wedding Singer _where _Adam Sandler _sings to _Drew Berrymore_ on the plane and I have the perfect song for Papa H to sing. And before you ask, yes, the Originals have sextastic singing voices. We could sing your underwear off every time. Though I would really like to hear suggestion from KISS." Kol begins.

"Oh! There's this one bit from _Love Actually! _Totally fucking sweet and so what Klaus would say to Caroline." Stefan suggests.

"I love that movie! Too sweet for words." Alaric agrees and everyone looks at him funny because the vampire hunter doesn't look like a romantic movie type. "What? The caretaker guy in the afterlife only has romantic flicks in blu ray."

"Noted. And you need a codename now that you're in KISS."

"Badass Bud!" Of course, Damon will name Alaric that.

"Badass Bud, it is! So, what more?"

"We can make Caroline order a pizza and get Klaus dressed as a delivery pizza guy..." Elena says.

Everyone looks at her with a 'what the fuck are you smokin' look.

"And when Caroline answers the door pays for the pizza she'll say, 'Here's your tip'. Then Klaus will say, 'No, let me give you a tip.' She'll pull him inside and then they'll have sex. Or he can be a plumber and say, 'I can unclog your pipes for you'..." She continues.

"Elena stop sprouting cliche cheesy porn plots! Jenna told you to get rid of your collection and just read some smutty fanfictions to get your imagination going and the plots are fucking better!" Jeremy screams at her. He saw his sister's collection a few years back and fuck. It's not even the good kind of porn!

But since she's a conceited little bitch, she just continues to suggest other porn plots. "Oh! He can be a delivery guy and say, 'I've got a special package for you'. Or he can be an electrician! Or a pool boy though Caroline doesn't have a pool. Stable boy! We can…" She drops to the floor after Alaric snaps her neck.

"God, was she always that annoying? I can't believe I went Giles on her ass. No, just no. Captain, please continue. When she wakes up, we'll be done." Alaric takes his seat again, returning Damon on his lap.

Everyone has a wide grin on their face when Elena drops to the floor.

"I knew I love you for a reason, Alaric!" Rebekah tries to kiss him on his cheek but Damon pushes her face away then buries his head deeper in the nook of Alaric's neck. "No! He's mine. Go back to Steffy. Mine!"

Alaric just chuckles, kissing Damon's forehead. "Of course, I'm yours, buddy."

"Oh, sweetheart, don't growl. My brother is just really protective of Alaric. Dalaric is not to be mess with." Stefan gently strokes Rebekah's cheek, effectively stopping her growling.

Kol can't stop the smile on his lips. "Aww, reel back the fluff bitches! There's a time for that later. Now back to business. Anymore non-porn suggestions?"

"We should totally go with the carnival scene from _The Notebook_ where Noah climbs the ferris wheel to ask Allie out! I fucking love that movie but fuck, it makes me cry every fucking time." Jeremy shouts excitedly.

"That's a good one! I love that movie too especially when we re-enact their sex scene." Bonnie nudges Jeremy's side with a wicked grin on her face. "Captain, we can go 80's on this op. I love the one where Dobler went boombox over his head, total classic!"

"This is just another reason why I love you two so much! I think four would be enough, we have to secure the shit out of this okay. No fucking cat would ruin this. That'll be all. Hail Klaroline!"

"Hail Klaroline!"

They leave Elena laying on the floor.

...xxx...

Drop me a line! Or you know a declaration of undying love. I'm not picky!

XOXO, Lysa


End file.
